Reflections

Last year's resolution to write more didn't really come to fruition.  I think part of that had to do with the scattered mess I became as the year wore on.  As the days on the calendar passed, I found myself more and more mentally and physically drained.  I was wearing myself thin trying to cram as many things into my days as possible.  Work, play, chores...and it overwhelmed me pretty rapidly.

No one should ever have to feel like social obligations are a problem.  However, as a person who finds it difficult to turn down an invitation or to cancel plans, they definitely felt like a problem for me in 2013.  I found my minimal bit of free time being spoken for by other people.  After all, I couldn't say no to my friends, or their children, wanting to see me.  I couldn't cancel plans when I wasn't feeling up to leaving my house.  I couldn't say no or cancel even though I knew my bank account would be furious.

My need to put other people first, to make others happy, caught up to me.  I found myself dreading invitations, never going to the gym, rarely working on my hobbies, and trying to compact all my errands and chores into a few hours on the weekend.  Worst of all, I found myself regretting these plans after they had happened because thoughts of, "oh god, how many days until my paycheck goes in?  When do my student loans come out?!" swirled around in my head.

My brain literally seemed to disappear from stretching myself so thin.  I became incredibly forgetful.  I double-booked myself.  I forgot to call people back.  I even started to avoid calling people back or reading their texts.  I hated the way I felt, if and when I could even remember to take time to focus on what I was feeling.

I had a huge health scare over the summer.  An abnormal pap smear led to additional tests which found an abundance of moderate to severe precancerous cells scattered about my cervix.  More tests were scheduled for 4 months down the road and their results would determine whether or not I would have to have surgery to remove the cell dysplasia.  My doctor had explained that, typically, if any severe dysplasia is observed they opt for surgery right away.  But since I had never had children, and the surgery could potentially affect the ability to do so, he wanted to hold off.  For someone who never really even wanted to have children, it was still a big deal.  What if I changed my mind?  What if the surgery made it impossible for me to even have any say in the matter?

I decided to take a few weeks to myself.  To ponder and fret, to grow my bank account in case the worst happened, and to focus on myself.  To focus on my passions and the things that had been neglected in the previous months.  Worrying aside, those few weeks were glorious.  I went on vacation with one of my best friends.  I worked on crafts.  I went thrifting.  I cooked new foods.  I worked on a website.  And, then, I fell back into my same old habits.

I started overloading myself.  My little bit of downtime was spent sleeping and wishing that I had spent more time doing so.  I ached to have more free time again.  I ached to do something productive, like get my tiny apartment in order, or break a sweat at the gym or go for a hike.  Yet, I did nothing about it.  So, this year, my days are going to be all about me.  That sounds self-centered, yes, but I don't care.

Thankfully, the follow ups to my original tests showed that many of the cells, while still abnormal, were healing themselves to an extent.  I'll have to go back every few months to make sure that is still the case, but it's like a huge weight has been lifted.  However, it was a huge weight that I learned a a great deal from.

I learned that we often go out of our way to make other people happy and, as a result, often jeopardize our own happiness in the process.  Don't get me wrong-- I love my friends.  I love spending time with them and making memories.  I love having their support in moments I really need it and being able offer the same to them.  But, as I near the big 3-0, I realize that part of being a good friend to others is being a good friend to yourself.  The time we spend together is more important, more valuable, when everyone involved is feeling their best, is fully focused on the present, not worrying and thinking about everything else that is totally unrelated to that moment.

This year, I intend to give myself and my friends the best me, even if that means taking time to myself.  I will focus on my hobbies; I will go to the gym; I will turn down plans to make free time for these things and to save money; I will cancel plans if I don't feel well or something comes up.  If I seem hermit like every now and again, just know that it's because I need it and both of us will reap the rewards.